Funny Instagram Captions

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If this weekend goes as planned, I will not include any actual plans.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Dear Monday, my Mama don’t like you and she likes everyone.
Running late is my cardio.
I am presently experiencing life at several WTF’s per hour.
Breathe in the good shit. Breathe out the bullshit.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Sending dick pics is for amateurs. Real men disappoint in real life.
Nutella is my lover.
Drinkin’ Rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic.
I’m great in bed. I can sleep for days.
My head says gym, but my heart says Tacos.
Coffee before talkie.